Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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