just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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