They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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