Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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