my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
