haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
