things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
