Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
