I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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