How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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