he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
