Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Even my vagina gasped.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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