2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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