Your face is a jimmy john
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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