Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
How naked do you want me to be?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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