i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
