mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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