Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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