I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
