u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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