Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
