I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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