new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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