Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You don't make any sense
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