I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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