I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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