Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize