Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
