have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
This is my gift to your gina
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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