Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
