Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
