the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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