At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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