Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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