Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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