so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
