Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The best revenge is premature balding
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
