why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
