Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize