You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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