1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
