My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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