cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
