My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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