So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
