I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
