I'm eating all of the evidence.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
