remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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