You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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