I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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