I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
