just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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