I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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