Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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