You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I understand Curling. That high.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
