You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize