I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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