That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
