last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
