thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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