saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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