Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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