Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
