your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
