my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
