I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
This gyro tastes like lonliness
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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