how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
