I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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