The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
