i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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