its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
