Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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