and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
please come you make the beer taste better
I love having hate sex.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
