So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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