I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
